Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I love babies. Love. them. Maybe it's because my mom is a baby magnet and ran a daycare when I was little. Maybe it's from being the oldest of four kids and eleven cousins. Maybe it's from working with them when I was running play therapy. Maybe it's because they are so freaking cute and I can't wait to be a mom. Probably it's my ovaries.
Which are screaming at me.
It doesn't help that on Friday I went with Jeff when he was getting a haircut so I could visit with our hairdresser Nicole's four-month-old daughter who is perfect and beautiful. Or that on Saturday I went to a baby shower, prior to which I crocheted a baby hat, sewed a baby blanket, went shopping for pacifiers and other random baby stuff, and browsed Barnes and Noble's baby section for book. (The last of which left me in a tearful, hormonal mess).
My dad (creepily) told my mom that since I am not working, it is the perfect time for me to have a baby. While I wish this were the case, and I certainly have the time, we just don't have the money or space for a tiny baby S right now.
Not to mention that we've only been married for 8 months, and I want to enjoy being a newlywed. It's a little more difficult than you'd think, since hubby works nights.
Here's a not-so-secret: I am terrified. Not terrified in the normal, never-been-a-mom-before way. Terrified because I am already 27.
I don't want to be an "old mom." I want to have enough energy to chase around several kids and play with them and to not have too much of a generation gap between my children and me. I am grateful that I had young parents. My mom and dad were 22 and 23, respectively, when they had me. They had all 4 of their children by ages 29 and 30.
Even more scary, I want to be able to have children. I know so many young, healthy women in their 20's who are having difficulty conceiving and that scared me so, so much. What if I try to have kids, and can't?
Yikes, it is so unhealthy to think of the what-ifs. I know I will be a great mom, given the chance. For now, I will have to be content with borrowing my friends' kids (I'm talking about you, little Lilita, whenever you are born!), and playing mommy to our kitten.
Does anyone need a baby sitter?